You Might Be a Central Asian Dictator If…

It takes a Jeff Foxworthy style list to mock this properly. Each entry has a link in case you think I’m making it up (page references are to Inside Central Asia by Dilip Hiro).

I am only listing the more cartoonish elements that belong in a black comedy. There are of course much more horrible things (like boiling people to death) that don’t belong on the list.

And so, you might be a Central Asian dictator if:

• You arrange for the passing of a law that requires presidential candidates opposing you to produce 100,000 signatures of support. [p247]
• And give candidates 8 weeks to do so. [p247]
• And when someone actually comes close to doing so despite all odds, have militiamen attack him on the street and snatch the list of signatures from him. [p247]
• And hence run unopposed. [p247]
• You extend your presidential term by referendum…by bundling your term extension with the right to private property, the character of statehood and the official language, require a single yes/no on all 4 issues. [p259]
• You preside over a constitutional amendment limiting the number of times a person can run for president…and then pass another amendment that excepts YOU PERSONALLY from the previous amendment. [Source 1, Source 2]
• Your opponent in the presidential election publicly states that he voted for YOU — since you’re the better candidate! [Source]
• You tend to personally handpick the candidates who will run against you. [Source]
• And even name the opposition parties and come up with their platforms. [p160]
• And they start their speeches by heaping you with praise. [Source]
• You require opposition parties to register officially and collect tens of thousands of signatures in the process. [Source]
• And you give them one day to do so. [Source]
• You make a referundum on allowing you to stay in office after your constitutional term expires. [Source]
• And you count blank ballot boxes as a “yes”. [Source]
• You create the amusingly-named GONGOs or “Government-Organized NGOs” [Source]
• You say the following in a public statement following a wave of terrorist attacks on the capital: “I’m prepared to rip off the heads of 200 people, to sacrifice their lives, in order to save peace and calm in the republic… If my child chose such a path, I myself would rip off his head.” []
• You allow a Supreme Assembly which is a multi-party parliament…that meets twice a year. [p153]
• You refer to yourself as Turkmenbashi (Leader of all Turkmen). [Source]
• You win 99.9% of votes in a referendum to extend your term to 10 years. [Source]
• You decide to rename the names of the months and days of the week. [Source]
• And the names include yourself and members of your family. [Source]
• You write a rambling work that’s part autobiography, part moral/spiritual guidance, part revisionist history, part poetry. [Source]
• And you get mosques to paint quotes from it on the walls next to quotes from the Quran. [Source]
• And you make it a mandatory work of study in schools. [Source]
• And you make questions on it part of the test to become a government employee of any sort.
• Or to get a driver’s license. [Source]
• You build a gold-plated statue of yourself on top of an arch in the capital. [Source]
• And have it rotate through a full circle every 24 hours, so that it always faces the sun. [Source]
• You make doctors swear an oath to you instead of the Hippocratic Oath. [Source]
• And outlaw lip synching [Source for all following]
• And dogs in the capital (because they smell)
• And opera, ballet, the circus
• And gold teeth (since your “natural” teeth should get exercise in chewing for health)
• And makeup on TV anchors (since Turkmen women are already beautiful and shouldn’t need makeup)