There’s no logical reason frequent sex with multiple partners is immoral. (I avoid saying promiscuity because the mere word implies something sinful or excessive; just like blasphemy implies the religion you’re blaspheming against is true.) The harm arguments don’t work so it’s just the disgust factor left.
The only way for promiscuity to be wrong is if sex itself was wrong. The best parody of this idea is an episode of The New Statesman called Sex Is Wrong. Unfortunately even secular people have of trouble overcoming this hangover from our theocratic past. Here are some arguments:
- any overindulgence is wrong — you could say overconsumption is wrong because a shortage might ensue. But there’s plenty of sex to go around! The only potential harm is if you have so much sex you become ill and a burden on others — but that’s a stretch.
- it harms people through STDs — then it might be immoral not to use protection when you have many partners.
- it harms people through breakups/angst — then it might be immoral to be deceitful, to string people along etc. None of which relate to the actual sex. It’s all about [informed] consent.
- it harms society, eg. children born out of wedlock — yes, the old “won’t somebody think of the children?”.
Let’s assume having 2 parents is ideal. All that follows is (at most) that unprotected sex with multiple partners is immoral. - it’s merely symptomatic of an emotional void — this is prejudice as people usually assume emotionally healthy multiple partner sex isn’t possible. We rarely see them trawling for studies on the subject though. Even if true, it’s no reason to stigmatise (or moralise) it. Either the person is only harming him/herself (which probably wouldn’t fall under the harm principle) or “promiscuity” is a symptom not a cause.
- long term relationships are better — granting the premise, the argument says anyone not currently in a long term relationship is committing an immoral act! Plus the stench of paternalism is sickening.
- it cheapens sex — this is a religious argument. It implies a divine purpose-giver magically injecting value into sex from above. Unless you can make a secular argument (without using the naturalistic fallacy)…anyone?
- it’s shallow — the most hilarious one. People who make this accusation might be working in jobs they hate (that don’t contribute much to society), to buy shit they don’t need, going home to a bland loveless marriage, collapsing on the couch to watch [INSERT CRAP]. Of course being guilty of something doesn’t mean you can’t call it out in someone else. But here it calls the shallowness-meter of the person making the argument into question.
Then there’s the inequality with which the charge of promiscuity is applied. And with good reason: it’s toxic to many sexist assumptions. A woman having sex with multiple partners means she makes the choices, which goes against women as property. It suggests women have desire, always a dangerous thing. Not to mention promiscuity being an easy tool for general shaming and silencing of women (many genuinely think that “but she’s a slut!” defeats any argument). When fear of promiscuity leads to psychological damage like purity balls, it becomes obvious that it’s all about harm — causing harm. Ultimately it boils down to the classic definition:
Fundamentalism: The overriding irrational fear that someone, somewhere is having fun.
19 comments ↓
And don’t forget the inequality of:
Promiscuous man = Legend
Promoiscuous woman = slut
Yep, that was what I meant by inequality. Hence a promiscuous man is a legend and a woman a slut BECAUSE it’s toxic to bla bla bla
I don’t have any arguments against promiscuity! The two main issues are of course protection and equality. People should realise that a woman has every right to be a ‘playa’. In my understanding, males of species were the ones who’ve had to compete for females. So, in a sense, it becomes apparent why that prejudice exists.
I hope you’ll write something about S&M. I’m really looking forward to the ‘harm’ arguments in that!
The problem with promiscuous behaviour – or really, sex in general – from a female perspective is that it’s inherently unequal. There is, after all, one sexually transmitted “disease” only females are susceptible to – pregnancy. Sure, this has more to do with unprotected sex than sex with multiple partners, but the point is that the more partners you have, the more likely you are to encounter someone who’s not too bothered about protection. In short, sex carries an additional risk for women that simply doesn’t exist for men. This obviously doesn’t mean it’s immoral, though.
One thing I note that you haven’t really brought up is promiscuous behaviour simultaneous to being in a relationship. Are you planning on doing a post on open relationships, swinging and polyamory?
Sp promiscuous women need to cover their own contraception. It’s hardly an argument against promiscuity that a woman might get pregnant given today’s contraceptives.
Alan: Read my comment again – I wasn’t arguing against promiscuity. Just saying that the cost of sex is grossly inequal. Really, the fact that I clearly stated this doesn’t make it immoral should’ve made that clear enough… Surely everything doesn’t have to be an argument for or against, sometimes it’s just about adding nuance to the discussion.
Hehe, sorry but the month is running out so I won’t have time for S&M, polyamory etc — maybe I’ll come back to them later. But Felicia, the best discussion of polyamory is throughout Greta Christina’s blog (http://gretachristina.typepad.com/greta_christinas_weblog/)
In terms of the cost of sex being grossly unequal for the 2 [main] genders, as far as I understand the 2 different reproductive strategies that were pursued was what got genders started in the first place. So maybe the inequality of reproduction is actually the most essential part of a gender…
Sex is for procreating and expressing love to your significant other.Swinging. promiscutity,unloving sex are all a disease of weak and shallow people that would probably make poor parents and generally have poor morals and PRIORITIES.This behaviour does nothing to help yourself or humankind.Remember,you are a human with a brain not a fucking chimp so stop acting like one and try being CAREFUL.
And most women unfortuneately are not smart enough to make good decisions about who they have sex with and are far too easily misled or used.More truth 4 u !!
It is the good men and women(few and far between) that suffer because of these idiots.
Right on! Most women are far too stupid and have crap priorities — if only they had some sort of Master to control them…
By the way, how many people do you actually know that practice “swinging, promiscuity, unloving sex”?
…the women are stupid?? The men are too persistent and the women fall for it you mean!
they BEG for sex and it is dressed up as something else – its sick, i really mean that… i admit it took me a while but i get it now, this thing they do, seriously begging for it and then getting annoyed when it doesnt happen
i can see theres a certain irony in this but i’m too tired to write anymore than this… i could write a blog, later…
Does this mean the English language should have actual sarcasm tags? That might help interpret comment #10.
The only trouble is how to express them verbally and not in writing. I suggest !Kung-style clicks.
Men are such hypocrites on this issue. Night out, looking for a one night stand they will not care how many partners she’s had and in some cases the more the better, but when it comes to settling down…
Also, is it any worse for a person to have sex with a single partner every night for a year or to have a different partner every night? Spread the wealth is what I say. Also you should try to learn something new off each partner and so it should be a badge of honor to have had a few partners.
There are so many arguments to each side, we could be here all day and night. The writer is correct AND comment #10 is correct as well. Outside of religious circles, there are no rules, apparently all is fare in love and war. I look around and see the idiots that women fall for, the “bad boy,” Mr. Mysterious. There are even TV shows called “Is she really dating him?” That should tell you something about how great women are at chosing mates and how they need to wisen up. It is a woman’s fault for letting these douchebags exist, if you took away all the pussy for these guys, they’d have to change. Women let these douches get away with being like that, they fall for it time and again, and it has snowballed. Another note, I don’t know any guy that says “Hey, I feel like it’s time to settle down, I just need to find myself a slut!” I don’t expect healthy monogamy to ensue from that partnering. Promiscuity is obviously anit-monogamy, but why is society so prone to monogamy? Why are some pro-promisciuty? From an objective viewpoint, monogamy seems an obvious healthy lifestyle for raising children b/c otherwise we’d have bastard kids running around everywhere and we’d be a terribly emotionally afflicted society. For humanity to continue, we have to raise healthy kids and so on and so forth which promiscuity does not promote.
That’ll teach me not to use sarcasm on the internet! Nick, #10 was extrapolating “Noone’s” views to their logical conclusion and showing their ridiculousness.
Even if lots of women make stupid decisions about their partners, so what? Men don’t too?
“We’d be a terribly emotionally afflicted society”
Because the expectation of monogamy’s doing so well for us with a 50%+ divorce rate?
See, I think of all the stuff I’ve posted in this blog this issue is the most one-sided because the “other side” has so little. Bastard children? Really?
i was bought up as a Catholic and i am the biggest slut i have ever met, i love sex and i have had over 50 partners at 29, and i cant help it i love sex and i know how i want it. and men want me i have never had a man say i dont want you it’s me saying i don’t want to settle. i dont care what people think i love my life.
I applaud to you Jessica, be proud of taking your life in your own hands and not compromising to anyone for that right. That’s more than most people ever do, regradless of how “moral and righteous” they claim to be. As for me, Live and Let Live.
Men and women take a breath and see that both sexes take time to realize the strengths and limitations of their sexuality. If someone you are fond of has sex with one or many other people it does cause pain and is a drain of energy. If you dont care then you dont care about yourself and your ex partners. You cant take it back so until you are mature enough to know who you want to be with or that you want a life of pointless self centred sex with multiple partners you should refrain as best you can. If you ego drives you to do it its because you have low self esteem not because your actually are a legend
A drain of energy — is this based on some ancient Taoist seed-retention technique?
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